This Summer will mark five years since I have had sex. It sounds like a long time when I write it out but in actuality, it has flown by. I wish I could tell you that I have been marking off my calendar, swiping left (or is it right?) to find the next potential penetration...I haven't. I've really just been living my life. It has easily been the most peaceful five years I've experienced to date. It hasn't always been easy but I'm in it for the long haul and in the meantime, things have changed...
1. I No Longer Thrive Off Of Male Validation
I used to crave just being wanted, particularly sexually. Before I was in a relationship for three years, I didn't have sex but I loved that people wanted to have sex with me. In a sense, I was a tease and I liked it that way. It made me feel desired. When I was in a relationship, I thought sex was everything and thrived off of being wanted in that manner. Now, with sex no longer on the table, I have learned to find my validation outside of men, namely in Christ. Let me tell you something; when you take sex off the table, your phone be REAL DRY. I haven't had a dude on my phone for more than three days in five years and it has left me alone with myself and my thoughts. Forced to face the reality of who I am, the good, the bad and the flawed. Through being 'celibate' or 'abstinent' or whatever you want to call it, I have been able to...
2. Get To Know Myself
I didn't know who I was before. For me, being celibate has also been a bi-product of being SUPER single lol. Don't get me wrong, I know it's MUCH easier to abstain when you have no one in your life that you want to have sex with. My definition of being single goes hand in hand with being celibate. If you read my blog often, you know I love definitions, so let me screenshot Google's definition of SINGLE:
Only One. Unaccompanied. Unattached. Gotta love how they throw 'spinster' in there too, right? Wondering what the male equivalent to that is... but I digress. For me, being single and celibate has brought me true freedom. Even if you are boning a dude for a couple weeks or months without any kind of 'official' commitment, you still weren't truly unattached during that period of time. You were still considering what he liked, where he wanted to go, making plans to be at your place or his etc. Being unattached has led me down the path to me and who I was created to be. I am significantly more comfortable in my own skin and I am comfortable being alone. Not alone for a few hours, knowing that eventually, bae is coming over but truly enjoying my own company. Making myself laugh, hanging out with myself. It's been really great, actually and while I'm excited to get married and have sex, I'm really cherishing not having my 'shoulder tapped' if you know what I mean.
3. I Can Smell BS From a MILE Away and My Vision is Crystal Clear.
Being celibate has made my discernment game STRONG and my perspective painfully clear. I don't need dates on dates and texting for weeks to know what a man's intentions are. Honestly, with sex off the table, I haven't even gotten past a first date. For dudes who are on the same wavelength as I am, we can easily decipher whether we are fit for each other and for those who aren't, once they see that we aren't going to have sex they usually move along. I've also been able to humanize my brothers and not just see them as potential mates, so that's nice.
But Jasmine, don't you get horny? Don't you miss having sex?... Yeah, duh. The fire has been lit, ok? I just make sure not to add fuel to it. Boundaries are important. Also, I don't miss having sex with men whose words are empty and intentions aren't pure. I don't miss having sex outside of the protection of a covenant. I don't miss having sex with a man who could easily change his mind at any time. So...
But Jasmine, I know you masturbate... Geeze, I hate that word. It just sounds ugly. Let's say after surrendering my life to Christ and making a decision to be celibate I continued to "feel myself." I even continued to watch porn for a short while. Then I saw this documentary called "After Porn Ends" which made it very difficult for me to support the porn industry. Also, I would always feel so guilty after 'feeling myself." Guilt is not of God. I am free in Christ and no longer a slave to my flesh so I decided to cut that out too. I could probably write an entire blog post on this struggle but if you can identify with this, just know that you aren't alone. Anytime I feel tempted, I meditate on 1 Corinthians 10:13. There have been times when I have had to turn on the lights and say it out loud. The struggle is real but never forget that the love of Christ has freed you from everything that you used to be in bondage to. Period.
But Jasmine, don't you need to test drive the car before you buy it? What if his penis is small? Well, I test drove the car last time and it drove off, ain't seen it since. Although I don't believe God would do me like that, it's not what you got but how you use it.... BUT SERIOUSLY, I hear girls say this ALL of the time and I'm just like...
"What God do you serve?"
You must not know the One I know. You must not know the God who laid His life down for the world. The One who will never forsake you. The God of all creation. The God who is all things and knows all things. The One who is LOVE and wants to be there when I make it. If you think you want to be celibate due to your relationship with Christ and your hold up is the man that you marry not being able to use his equipment properly, I would encourage you to dig deeper into who God is, you may have skipped some chapters.
But Jasmine, I don't want to wait five years before I have sex again! NEITHER DID I!!!! This.Was.NOT.The.Plan. I PROMISE. I never thought it would be five years, I've just been taking it day by day! I've been letting the Lord change me from the inside out, walking with Him, traveling, making new friends, doing things I've never done before and five years just kind of happened! But I wouldn't go back, I wouldn't change a thing. My life without sex has been far more satisfying than any orgasm or unsustainable male companionship ever was.
So...yeah. Hey mom.