I DID NOT want to write this post.
I repeat: I DID NOT want to write this post.
When I wrote “I haven’t had sex in five years, how things have changed”; I NEVER thought it would go viral. And by viral, I mean, it was read a half a million times in 2017 and brings roughly 2,000 people to my blog monthly. I’m not even promoting it anymore, I don’t even tell anyone about it! I am legitimately stopped on a semi-regular basis by people who recognize me from me airing out my sex life on the internet.
So, you can imagine how awkward this has become for me internally, since I started to have sex again. You can imagine how difficult it has been to write, knowing that most of my audience came here through that particular post.
But, I shared that blog post because I believed that it would be helpful to those who felt alone in their abstinence walk, I felt it may inspire those who had been thinking about being abstinent. I wanted people to understand that not having sex doesn’t make you weird and can actually be a very peaceful space to be in. When your parents read every blog post you write, it’s easy to write about how you haven’t been having sex, not so easy to write about how you have. But, I truly believe in the power of transparency, it’s freeing, and freedom is what my Jesus is all about.
I also wanted to write this, because I refuse to be one of those people who judges others for their shortcomings while I have a laundry list of my own. I’m tired of the ‘perfect Christian’ narrative where people only want to share their abstinence struggle story AFTER they are married with two kids. One of my personal disappointments with the church over the years has been this alienation/calling out of groups of people who outwardly struggle with the same things we struggle with inwardly. That is a narrative that I’m not going to succumb to or fall in line with. This is me, right here, right now.
ATTENTION : Dad, please stop reading here.
Here are a few things I’ve learned:
1. IT WAS REALLY EASY TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
Friend, let me tell you! I was actually like ‘how did I take five years off but I’m better than I was before!?’ How did I go from no orgasms to multiple!? How am I saved and simultaneously getting down like this!? One day you haven’t had sex with anyone for five years, the next, you are having sex five times in one day. Maybe after so long, I was determined to make it count, I don’t know. Seriously.
I had my boundaries set up for a reason, I knew what the deal was, and I fought to keep those boundaries in place for a good minute. It was an actual war. This issue was, I was looking at the battle as strictly physical, not spiritual. I was worried about where I was placing myself physically but not about the posture of my heart. Also, I was fighting from a place of defeat, remembering that the flesh was weak but not remembering that because I’m a child of the Most High, every battle I will face has been won. Every temptation (which come from my own desires) I have been empowered to overcome.
So often, we look at others with eyes of self-righteousness, wondering how they are caught up in the very same things we used to do. We are just a moment away. It only takes one day, one moment for you to be in that very same circumstance.
2. I’M STILL SAVED AND FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT
Here’s the other thing, I was VERY conscious of the decisions I was making. ‘Oh, you’re unbuttoning my shirt? Cool. Weird. Haven’t been here in a while…let me help you out, I’ll pull my own panties down, it’s fine.’ I didn’t just fall into this, I explicitly decided to do it. But, it was like a tug of war! My flesh wanted it, my Spirit did not. This was to be expected, the first, second, third time but I ended up being uncomfortable EVERY time. And trust, it was a lot of times. It never became more comfortable, I never felt differently about my position on abstinence or God or anything.
So, with the initial (haha) ‘cherry pop’, and feelings of guilt and shame manifesting in my heart, I actually started to feel like God was going to smite me. But the opposite happened, I could hear Him more clearly and He was constantly saying, ‘I love you.’ It was like He was continuously reminding me in the most loving and gentle way of who I truly am. He didn’t zero in on where I was falling short but instead began to magnify all the things within me that are like Him. For me, this gave new meaning to the concept of God being good. It was a reminder that God is good, because God is good and nothing else. He’s not good to me because of anything that I do, He is good because it is His nature to be so. Period.
It was kind of wild and I didn’t really know what to do with it. And then He was like, ‘write about it’… and here we are.
3. COMPROMISE IS CREEPY, DON’T GET D*CKSTRACTED
I know this post had its share of ‘Christianese’, whether you are a follower of Christ or not, I believe this point is something that I learned that is crucial for us all. After having sex for a while, my life kind of started to fall apart lol. I once saw a girl on Instagram once describe it as ‘getting d*ckstracted.’ It’s easy to think that the root of the issue is the literal sexual activity but what I truly believe is the issue was me faltering in my convictions. I abandoned a commitment that I’d made years before any man had shown up in my life. I went back on my word, not to anyone else but myself. When I compromised in this area, compromise began to creep into so many other areas of my life. Next, I began to compromise with my time, and then with my money and a slew of other things and I looked up and was literally having a nervous breakdown, wondering how I got to that point.
It’s deeper than the actual appendage, I think what getting ‘d*ckstracted’ meant for me was, I allowed my focus to be transferred from my God, my goals and my gifts to a man. He was getting the best of me instead of me giving my best to the things I’ve been created and assigned to do. If you have ever experienced this, PLEASE leave a comment below. A series of events allowed me to snap out of this and I found myself back in the word, back at church, most importantly back in alignment. I want to encourage you, regardless of what you have going on, what you are doing behind closed doors, don’t let people shame and guilt you out of seeking the Lord. Keep talking to Him, keep fellowshipping with other believers, keep doing the things that He told you to do, God will meet you right where you are.
I want to leave you with this from Acts 26:
14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’ 15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
The context of this verse is Paul is on trial before King Agrippa and begins to share some of his testimony. After years of persecuting those who believed in Christ, he was confronted by Christ himself on his way to persecute even more people. He fell to the ground under the presence of the Lord and after he recognized who it was that he was talking to, the Lord himself told him to ‘get up and stand to your feet’ and then commissioned him to serve the Almighty King.
That’s what I want you to take with you today; if you have been lying on your back, Jesus says ‘get up and stand to your feet’, be free and bring freedom to those around you!
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